The American people have spoken. And they have declared that being on a reality show makes one qualified to be the President of the United States. Unlike other websites, we don’t cover politics. However, I begrudgingly consider reality TV part of pop culture. Apparently the needs of the country have crossed streams with the abundant qualifications of America’s best reality show talent.
Sue Hawk was on the original Survivor and thus gave the original “go straight to hell!” speech, which has become a standard in the genre. Obviously, this makes Sue very qualified to be president. Sue’s greatest moment came in comparing her fellow contestants to “rats and snakes.” She finished her speech by stating that if she ever saw contestant Kelly dying of thirst she would not cross the street to give her a drink of water. Instead, she would allow the woman to be scooped up and devoured by vultures.
Why She’s Qualified: Because it has recently been said that we need to do “unthinkable things” to our enemies. It’s easy to envision Sue delivering a speech about rats and snakes at the United Nations.
Boston Rob, also known as Robert Mariano, is one of America’s most proficient and capable players of reality games. He was an early pioneer of both forming alliances and backstabbing, and his hard work was rewarded by the networks, who appointed him to star in six full seasons of different reality shows. Rob was defeated by Amber Brkich on Survivor All-Stars, but shrewdly married her and thus shared the money prize. Rob went on to win first place on Survivor: Redemption Island and later finished second on the Amazing Race along with Amber.
Why He’s Qualified: Because we don’t want a president who just hosts or plays reality games…We need someone who knows how to win! Rob has finished first once and second three times. His record is almost as good as the Republican nominee’s statistical victories in lawsuits. “450 wins, 38 losses. Isn’t that what you want for your president?” Um, I guess?
If only he had been born in America, Juan Pablo Galavis would already be president. The main man on season 18 of The Bachelor, Juan Pablo used his daughter as a convenient prop whenever someone suspected that he was not on the dating game show for all the right reasons. However, by the season’s end, it was obvious that the rude and condescending Juan Pablo was there to screw as many women as possible.
Why He’s Qualified: “War on women? What war on women? It’s ok.”
Omarosa Manigaul was a popular villain on the first season of The Apprentice. She became the first reality show contestant to be known by only her first name (like Oprah but without all the hard work and paying dues.) Omarosa has parlayed her villainy into more than 20 additional reality shows and has also held jobs like political commentator and Baptist minister. As the greatest villain of The Apprentice, Omarosa is the closest thing the GOP nominee has to a professional spawn.
Why She’s Qualified: With her background as a former staffer for Al Gore, theology degree and professorship, she’s the perfect person to fill the Condoleeza Rice role for the Great Orange Cheeto.
Spencer Pratt excelled for four seasons as resident Rich Boy Hater on the MTV program The Hills. Pratt was always a walking grab bag of privilege and hate, which is why he quickly became a darling of print and online media. Pratt cheated on his girlfriend, drank excessively, partied like a spoiled brat and never held a real job.
Why He’s Qualified: Because he has the privilege, wealth and hatred in his heart to create a lifetime of click-bait internet articles, which is obviously more important to American interests than the ability to find Turkey on a map.