Snark Tank; Recap

Jane the Virgin Chapter 28: Milestone Marathon

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Previously on Jane the Virgin: 

Jane chose Michael after they shared (in her words) an epic kiss. Then she un-chose him (to my great relief) because he picked a (completely unjustified) fight with Rafael while Mateo was literally a foot away and she realized that as a mother she needed to put Mateo first. Which meant she couldn’t be with a guy who would never be able to get a grip around her baby’s father, so basically good riddance to bad rubbish.

(source: amusing-saga tumblr)

Also, despite all of Jane’s best efforts (because she 2% cares about Petra!), Petra did indeed get married to Milos. For tax purposes, as he alleges, but also so he could sneak a bunch of hand grenades to the Marbella under the guise of wedding decor. Poor girl just can’t catch a break.

This Week: 

Life with kids, the lovely Latin narrator tells us, makes days feel like years and years feel like days. Life in tv land, this episode shows us, can likewise have months pass in between the commercial breaks and make it feel organic and wonderful and remind us all for the umpteenth time why we love this show so much. Even though Jane the Virgin does sometimes speed through its storylines at a frenetic pace that can get a little worrying, the deliberate time jumps during this episode worked so well because they allowed the show to hit major plot points while developing the relationships between all the characters. The five months that we went through in this episode allowed the show to get some space away from the plot points (Mateo’s kidnapping; Love Triangle 2.0) that so dominated the first five episodes, thereby getting us ready for our push forward into whatever amazing things I’m sure the show has planned for us. So, let’s go through the milestones that we hit in this five month span of time.

Milestone: Jane doesn’t make grad school honor roll (but she does make a friend…kinda)

Summer school is behind her and Jane officially starts her graduate MFA program. She’s late to her first meet and greet because Mateo spit up on her dress, but she apologizes and tries to get down to business. Her professor is young and relatively good-looking, and I’m suddenly very afraid that the show is going to throw another love interest Jane’s way. (“Welcome to the CW,” is the reply from my best friend when I hastily text her this fear). Luckily, the writers know what they’re doing and the professor is nothing even approaching another love interest. He is, however, kind of a grad school buzzkill for Jane. Jane’s always been the top of her class but turns out that balancing a new baby and grad school is no easy feat. Her attention is always divided between her responsibilities as a mom and her expectations as a student, which means she turns in papers that seem rushed, doesn’t open up with her cohort peers, and even falls asleep while another member of the class is reading a piece. It’s this last bit that causes her professor to put her on academic probation until she can show him that she really wants to be there.

Poor Jane. She does make a friend though. Wesley Masters initially seems kind of rude when he points out that he doesn’t want to tell a story in front of Jane because she never opens up about herself. This real talk prompts her to basically recap seasons 1 and 2 of JtV thus far and she manages to befriend Wesley! We see him a few months (or two commercial breaks) after Jane starts grad school, and they’re hanging out at Jane’s, talking about Rafael and his nutty family. Aw, friendship.

Except not! Turns out Wesley is just gathering intel from Jane and, later on in the episode, Scott to write a story based on the Solanos and Jane’s life. Oh man. Just can’t trust those guys in your MFA.

Milestone: Jane makes nice with her ex-baby daddy’s ex-wife/current baby mama

Someone we maybe, kinda, almost can trust? Petra, who’s having a really tough time with her pregnancy. She finds out that she’s having twins (which, as our narrator highlights for us, means that Rafael will have three kids with absolutely no sex involved) and has severe morning sickness on top of the fact that she was coerced into a loveless marriage with a man who is trying to sell 2,000 hand grenades to the highest bidder. You know what she could really use right now? A good friend who really cares about her and wants what’s best for her.

But, she doesn’t really have that (yet! I remain optimistic for Jane x Petra BFFness), so mostly she’s just really missing her mother – who, you will recall, is basically horrible. But your mom is your mom and Petra really needs someone, so in desperation she asks Jane if the Villanuevas will help Magda get out early on parole.

Jane relents, because she’s kind and Petra really looks like she needs it. Magda is let out early and helps to get rid of Milos and the grenades in pure Magda fashion – by being generally scheming and unbearable. She loses an eye and gains a hook hand in the process, but honestly it kind of feels like she was always meant to have a hook and an eyepatch, so it’s just like she’s growing into her personality.

Anyway, at first I thought I’d hate this Petra is pregnant storyline, but credit again to Yael Grobglas and the writers because it’s allowed for a softening and building up of Petra’s character. Petra is at her most vulnerable and honest because she’s scared to death about motherhood and is worried that she won’t take to it. She doesn’t, as she readily admits to Jane, have the most nurturing example to take pointers from.

“I don’t feel prepared,” she tells Jane, looking scared and lonely.
“You never really are.” Jane reassures her wryly. “And just when you think you’ve figured it out, something changes.”

She smiles at Petra.
“You’ll be ok.”

Petra looks like she believes her, too.

My heart warms and I just want the two of them to exchange BFF bracelets already.

They’re not there yet, but Jane does have the heart to lure Petra over to their home during Thanksgiving under the guise of needing Mateo’s lovey, which was apparently left at Rafael’s office (nevermind the fact that there are three extras at the Villanueva abode). Petra rushes over with it and Jane invites her to stay over.

(source: kepnerrrd tumblr)

My heart just cannot get any warmer. Of course, the warmth in my heart lasts for about one scene because the moment Petra gets home she finds her mother standing over a dead body. Ah well, it was nice while it lasted.

Milestone: Jane and Rafael (somewhat) successfully co-parent

The platonic co-parenting thing is not ideal, but both Jane and Rafael are willing to work at it. Lately Jane has tried to put more focus into grad school and less into attending Mateo’s music classes, which means she doesn’t know the hand motions to the song while Rafael follows along perfectly.

(source: makos-lightningrod tumblr)

Another thing that the two are not quite in sync about? Mateo’s trust fund. His $40 million trust fund, to be exact. Jane freaks out over the amount and how to distribute it to Mateo, while Xo (and I) remain perplexed at the fact that Jane is freaking out about it.

The thing is that Jane is worried that all that money will make Mateo spoiled and unappreciative of the value of hard work.

(source: makos-lightningrod tumblr)

Ok, so I kind of understand where Jane is coming from, actually. She wants Mateo to stay grounded and understand the value of a dollar. She doesn’t, basically, want him to be all screwed up the way she sees that Rafael was all screwed up.

But, as Rafael so very succinctly tells Jane – money isn’t what screwed him up. His family is what screwed him up. Mateo is already off to a way better start seeing as he has two committed parents and three more committed adults who want what’s best for him. You think Abuela is going to let Mateo get away with treating people like trash? Of course not.

With her fears of Baller Mateo put to rest, Jane and Rafael come up with a plan for the millions of dollars Mateo stands to inherit: for every dollar that Mateo spends, he’ll also have to donate a dollar to a charity. This plan makes Rafael happy because he knows that his son will be taken care of, and it makes Jane happy because she can imagine Charitable Mateo as he one day leads the U.N.

(source: makos-lightningrod tumblr)

Milestone: Jane moves on from Michael

At the beginning of the episode, we’re one day out from the fight between Michael and Rafael. Jane is still reeling and crying about having to let Michael go. But, as the months wear on, she begins to miss him less and less. Rafael is there with her every step of the way, supporting both Mateo and Jane as best he can. He does try to make a move about two months after the big fight, but Jane tells him that she just isn’t over Michael yet. He takes it well and even starts to date another one of the moms at Mateo’s music class.

A month after he begins dating again, Jane comes down with a bad cold because she’s going to grad school, has a newborn and is waking up every three hours to pump. How she hasn’t fallen over from exhaustion is a mystery to me. I’m tired just looking at her in this scene. Anyway, she’s sick and her boob is sick and Mateo doesn’t have his lovey, so everyone is cranky. Rafael rushes over before attending some gala to get the lovey to her and…well, basically there are two takeaways from this scene:

1. Jane is a proper bitch when she’s sick.
2. Justin Baldoni wears a suit really well.

After the gala, Rafael comes back over to check on Jane. Far from being irritated at Jane, he’s actually quite amused to find out she’s so horrible when she’s sick. He then encourages Jane to stop pumping for Mateo, since it’s making her exhausted and she’s already burning the candle at both ends by taking care of Mateo and going to grad school at the same time. They sit down and have a real talk discussion about the pros and cons of continuing to pump for Mateo and he very kindly but firmly let’s Jane know that it isn’t selfish to stop pumping.

“Mateo is doing great”, he says, “and I would like you to start feeling great, too.”

(source: screencapped)

She agrees and the two smile at each other as we head into another commercial break and month long time jump. It’s now Thanksgiving and everyone is around the table and talking about what they’re thankful for:

Jane: Mateo
Abuela: God’s grace
Rogelio: Health and hair. Always health and hair.
Xo: Seeing how hard Rogelio always works and being inspired to pursue her own singing career.
Rafael: *looks around at the family* This. He’s grateful for all of it.

It’s a sweet moment and a great payoff for the five months that we’ve just sped through. Everyone looks comfortable and happy to be together. We’ve bypassed a lot of awkward moments, I’m sure, and minor conflicts and now Rafael and Jane and Abuela and Xo and Rogelio all just look like a happy family who are thankful to be together.

After dinner, Rafael and Jane are washing the dishes. They take a break and Jane takes the opportunity to ask why it didn’t work out between Rafael and the mommy from the music class. He lays on some Rafael real talk that he’s so into and tells her…well, I’ll let this gifset explain it:

(source: kepnerrrd tumblr)

They’re going to go on a date! My shipper heart rejoices!

And the award goes to…

Episode MVP: Rafael, because last episode was tough on him (and me) and he really stepped it up this week.
Best VOG line: This GEM: “For those of you keeping track at home, that’s now three children for Rafael. And zero sex.”

Best moment(s) from #Rogeliomybrogelio: On the his Telenovela version of Mad Men: “The original is a masterpiece, but mine will move much faster… it’s a fasterpiece, if you will. I will play Don Juan Draper, somewhat like Jon Hamm, but very good-looking.”

Number of times I…

Cried: Surprisingly, not once this whole episode!
Coveted someone’s wardrobe: Everything Petra wore. Her maternity wear is on point.
Sighed and said, “I love this show”: When Jane accepted a date with Rafael. *Heart eyes emoji.*

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