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The 90’s called, they want their show back – A Fuller House review.

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First off, I’d just like to say that when the original Full House first came on, I was roughly Stephanie’s age. So as you might imagine from a woman of her 30’s I now view things with a much more critical eye than my 6 year old self would. That being said I’m going to give credit where credit is due, if you’re a big fan of the original, you will enjoy the sequel. It’s fun and light hearted and kept the flavor of the original. If I had small children, I’d totally let them watch it. But I don’t, its just me, and that is why this review is going to be filled with snark.

Let me begin by saying they did a nice retool of the original theme song. They got Carly Rae Jepson in there and had her reprise the lyrics from the original and its not bad at all! Although I will say I’m surprised they didn’t use Jodi Sweetin‘s singing talents for that, because she has a fantastic singing voice from what I’ve heard, but perhaps not the correct amount of rasp for this song, so good choice.

The show begins with Danny Tanner in the kitchen with his Grandson, its a cute scene but the actor kind of looks like he either wants to cry or vomit, and what is Danny’s beef with Joey? Neat freak Danny feeding Joey toast off the floor? Why? What did he do to you? We’ll get to that in a second. Next, Uncle Jesse comes on the scene and he is grinning like a cheshire cat. Then again if my name was on the Executive Producer list, I’d have that same look on my face. It’s good to know that Uncle Jesse’s love of Elvis hasn’t faded, and I do have to admit I smiled at little Tommy’s jumpsuit, it was a total callback to the character, he’s still Jesse. That’s a good thing.

Joey… oh Joey, where do I begin? When Joey enters the scene he’s in his pajamas, it looks like he took a nap in 1994 and woke up 15 minutes ago. Maybe that’s why Danny is mad at him and sublimating his rage with dirty toast. After your standard Jesse and Joey antics we have that look again from Danny, like he’s either going to cry or vomit. Poor Danny. Aunt Becky comes in, and she’s aged amazingly well! She and Jesse are still in love, which is refreshing, you’d think after almost 20 years and twins they’d be splitsville by now, I expected it—but no! A pleasant surprise is a pleasant surprise indeed.

More Tanners! But Stephanie, where did that accent come from? I’m with Danny, “That accent is really cute, would you please stop doing it?” Please. Stop. We’re begging you. Actually, we’re worried about you, did you sustain a head injury from the flight back from England? I get it, she’s supposed to have been living there. Okay, we’ll get to the logic fail here in a minute. The shade thrown at Michelle Tanner’s Fashion Empire is hilarious.

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The fact that Uncle Jesse’s twins are still in college after 6 years is kind of… depressing. What are they even in school for? Getting their P.H.D.’s? (Partying Hard Dude Degree) We can only hope. Man, this cast is bloated, I don’t know about you but I need a Rolaid. Speaking of antacid and bad jokes… Hi Kimmy.

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I think Danny speaks for us all when he asks “Kimmy, why are you here and why haven’t I fixed the lock on that door?” we’re all asking the same question here, Danny. Also, why give an actress that has good comedic timing such a lame joke? Its obvious she can still make people laugh, her delivery was pretty excellent, just… not that joke. Anything but that joke.

Snarky Danny is the best. “I don’t know if I want to do anything Gibbler style.” Everyone thinks it, Danny, but you actually say it. Good job. The pain on his face is lessened now, that’s good. Stephanie’s accent reminds me of someone… actually it reminds me a lot of Joan Collins during the Dynasty years. Come on Steph, this is the Full House reboot, not Dynasty, but I’m sure if they do one you’ll be a shoe-in for Alexis Carrington’s secret granddaughter who’s been away at boarding school for decades.

Now here come the children. DJ has a lot of children. I thought she only had the one, which I thought was a cute, sweet idea, but nope! She has three boys, yes, that’s right, count ’em, THREE. Obviously she has been a busy woman. The idea of Stephanie somehow corrupting the boys with dirty song lyrics makes me laugh… its Stephanie Tanner for crying out loud! Need I say more?

And now we get to the logic fail portion of this show. Kimmy takes off her shoes, puts her feet on the Tanner’s kitchen table (I don’t even think the OG Kimmy G was this ‘rude’.) and apparently the fragrant aroma from Kimmy’s feet turn Stephanie Tanner’s accent back to being American.

A.) This is not how accents work.

B.) While perfecting her DJ skills, Stephanie was also majoring at Ross Gellar’s Bad Accent University. Now that is a girl with a P.h.D!

DJ’s grief is a bit unbelievable. When she tells Stephanie that her husband died doing what he loved, she doesn’t say it with the conviction of a woman who lost the love of her life, she mentions it like she lost a sock in the dryer. They never mention a span of time, or how long its been since Tommy Fuller Sr. died, but I’m going to assume its pretty recent since both boys remember him and the baby is not even a year old yet. She says he would want her to be strong but I wouldn’t expect he’d want her to be made of stone either.

Werk, Steph! No strings, no responsibilities! A little speculation here but, Stephanie’s been on the road with her music career and Michelle did fashion, I know DJ always wanted to be a veterinarian but it seemed like she would’ve aspired to a little bit more, like her sisters. Then again maybe she just wants the quiet life. Who knows? They don’t offer us anything but DJ wants Steph to settle down and crank out babies. I’m with Steph. No thank you!!!

Okay the scene where they tear down the curtain in Tommy’s room… um, come on. Why are two grown-ass women looking all sheepish because they accidentally tore down a curtain? I know its Danny Tanner’s house and I know he’s about to sell it but come on, we’re all adults here. I get that its cute for them to act the way they did when they were kids but… seriously. We could’ve had a more evolved version of that, and I won’t even get into the whole parenting huddle thing.

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Tommy Jr’s reaction to Mr. Woodchuck speaks for us all.

Oh my God. Danny Tanner found a WOMAN! An actual, real live WOMAN! And he got married! To Maria, from All My Children! (Don’t you dare judge me for watching soaps!) And that’s the first smile I’ve seen him crack during this entire episode! At least now we know why he was so miserable during the beginning, they were keeping his brand new wife locked away from him! His brand new wife who wants to get wild and crazy without any kids around, well, well, Danny Tanner you dog, you!

Nicky and Alex have the high aspirations of owning their own fish taco truck, its nice to know that kids nowadays have the freedom to chase their dreams. Maybe one day they can be the Full House Universe equivalent to Guy Fieri. Poor Aunt Becky, she’s so taken aback by her children’s dedication that she spews the champagne she was drinking. You’re not the only one, Aunt Becky! It looks like little Max will be following in Grandpa Danny’s footsteps, he has joined the neat freak club at a very very young age. Let’s hope this holds true when he becomes a teenager.

Wait, Kimmy Gibbler got married? And had a kid? Wait, Kimmy Gibbler had a sex life? Does… not… compute. Her ex just marched in here and announced in front of her kids (all the kids, actually!) and all the Dads/Uncles/Aunts/New Wifeys that she has mad kama sutra skills. You have to hand it to ol’ Kimmy for not commiting homicide right there on the spot. This guy deserves an A+ for annoying, not to mention, HOW RUDE! Too bad this isn’t a stage show where you could employ the use of a cane to pull him off the stage. (Seriously, do they still do that on Broadway?) Kimmy looks exceedingly proud of herself. I guess it takes a lot to humiliate a Gibbler.

After an awkward amount of 80’s dancing, we see Steve again. You’re thinking “Awww this is going to be so cute!” stop thinking that, now. Between 1995 and 2016, something happened to Steve’s character. I’m not sure what but he is no longer the cute, boyish teenager we met in the early 90’s who’s stupidity could be excused due to naivity or just being a dude, there are things you can get by with when you’re 16 that you can’t get by with when you’re an adult. For example: Asking your recently widowed ex to be your girlfriend when you haven’t had a chance to even get to know each other again yet.

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People change after High School, relationships change after High School, some people change for the better, some people change for the worse. Steve looks like a guy who has changed for the worse. He has no tact! He basically asked DJ out five seconds after seeing her again, I’m going to assume he hasn’t seen her since the last kid she has was born at least! That is not how its done, son! You’re a grown man, you should know this! That whole exchange could’ve been a whole lot cuter and understated than what it was. Geeze! I’m sorry, I fast-forwarded through ‘Forever’. I don’t even remember that song and I’m pretty sure I was alive and fully conscious in 1992.

The scene in the kitchen where Steve’s mouth was open and he was openly regretting not asking DJ to marry him at the prom made me want to stand up and yell “OH MY GOD STEVE, SHUT UP, YOU’RE SO STUPID!” full-on Mean Girls style but at the time everyone in my house was asleep so I had to settle for mentally screaming at him. These scenes did not need to be so obvious! Unrequited love is cute and sweet and when done well it really adds to a story! This was…. not that.

Another logic fail… supposedly Stephanie has no money, how on earth is she booking a flight to Brazil? An upgraded flight, no less! I could make a seeking arrangement joke here but I won’t, I’ll be classy. The fact that Kimmy Gibbler has seen Danny Tanner in his underwear before because she was spying from her bedroom window frightened me. Kimmy, that’s a deathbed confession. I can’t believe it was followed up by a hug.

Comet Jr. Jr.’s puppy is the size of a real human baby! That thing frightened me, it’s straight out of one of those videos you watch on youtube late at night when you’re stuck in the weird part? You know “Five Creatures You Can’t Believe Are Real”? This guy oughta have his own Crypto-Wiki page dedicated to him, no wonder Comet Jr. Jr. was in labor all night! Most humans would have trouble delivering something that size!!! That dog is a trooper, I tell you. She oughta get a medal, if only for “most tranquil animal labor scene ever”.

Since when did Aunt Becky get baby fever? Seriously, I don’t remember this from the original series. Maybe I’m remembering wrong but Aunt Becky always seemed like a cool person in the original series, not some crazy woman chasing after people with babies, or begging to have another one when she’s what…. in her 50’s? I’m surprised they didn’t have more children than just the twins. I don’t know if I like this version of her or not.

DJ finally turns on the tears when she is overwhelmed by single Motherhood, thank God. I was getting kind of worried about her. Its really sweet that Danny and the gang offer to stay behind and help her, but wow I’m hoping Danny didn’t hire a realtor to help him sell this place! They are going to be really pissed if he did! As is his new job in LA. Uncle Jesse has the most realistic idea, he’s going to let them stay there while he goes out to LA. I also love how he pointed out how much the house is worth, way to go Uncle Jesse for that dose of realism. The callback to the first final scene where they sang the Flintstones theme was really cute, a little schmaltzy, but cute.

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Overall, even with all the logic fail and cheese sprinkled all over the place, this was exactly what I would expect from a Full House Sequel. It’s Full House, its a callback to the early 90’s where Family Shows were The Thing, and you could sit down with your Grandma and your younger cousins and not feel awkward or have to tell the younger set to hide their eyes until this scene was done. Even my mid-30’s self misses shows like that and thinks there should be more shows in that same vein on the air. So I’ll be tuning in for more.

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