Snark Tank; Recap
Jane the Virgin Chapter 27: It's Britney
Previously on Jane the Virgin:
Michael got a brand new, competent partner who’s rightfully suspicious of him. Jane and Lina did an amazing dance number TWICE to Hot in Herre and I wished desperately that they were real and were my real friends.
(source: kepnerrrd )
My girl Petra was happy for about two seconds before Milos came swanning back into her life with his back terrible Czech accent and told her she needed to marry him. But mostly, Jane decided that Michael was the one for her and they shared a very passionate kiss. Fans everywhere swooned while I texted my best friend an all caps text about how everything was the worst.
The CW has been hyping the guest star appearance of Britney Spears since before the season started, I think. Was I impressed or amused at her appearance? Not especially. Did her appearance inspire me to watch at least an hour’s worth of her music videos on YouTube? Absolutely.
Also? This happened, so her appearance couldn’t really be that underwhelming.
(source: kepnerrrd )
Don’t like the backseat, gotta be first
Speaking of Brit Brit, let’s lead off with her storyline with, of course, Rogelio (who else?). Turns out that Rogelio and Brit have beef going back to the early 2000s, when she betrayed him by messing up the teleprompter during an awards show. Rogelio handles her appearance at the Marbella (for Petra and Milos’ wedding – more about that later) in typical Rogelio fashion. Which is to say, big, loud, and definitely not appropriately
(source: chrisevans xyz)
His beef does not go well. His confrontation with her turns into a vine. She gets a restraining order against him. Flyers proclaiming him a stalker get distributed around the Marbella. Finally, Jane steps in and has the two skype one another. Turns out, they both backstabbed each other in the early 2000’s. But, they manage to work through it when both say that they apologize…from the bottom of their broken heart.
Gimme, gimme more
This episode really propped up my all-time favorite (friend)ship: Jane and Petra. The show and Yael Grobglas have both done a fantastic job at turning what could’ve been a villainous, one-note character into a three-dimensional, funny, vulnerable, sympathetic character who I’d just really, really like to catch a break for once in this show.
Petra tries to list very real reasons why she shouldn’t marry Milos, like:
1. She doesn’t love him. (For now, Milos says. No one knows the future!)
2. She’s pregnant with another man’s baby. (I’ll raise the bastard as my own, Milos replies.)
But, finally, she agrees under the conditions that it’s only for a year. Only for tax purposes, no feelings involved. And absolutely no sex. Milos hems and haws, saying those things might change, but she remains firm and he agrees.
Jane and Rafael find out that Petra’s set to marry Milos and are both initially perplexed.
(source: janegifs tumblr )
Then, understandably freaked out because they don’t want a crazy person like Milos around Mateo or his half sibling. Jane even goes as far as talking to Magda to see what Milos might have over Petra to make him marry her and comes back bearing a flashdrive (that we do not see the contents of) that could help her get out of it. She, alas, does not use it. Why? Because Petra realizes that she’s being bugged by Milos and has been told/threatened that she must really sell the marriage, so she pulls out her Oscar award winning performance about why she’s marrying Milos. They were happy, once, she tells Jane. He was her prince charming, before her mother made up all the lies about him. She thinks they might be able to be happy again.
Neither Jane (nor Rafael) buy it, but there isn’t much that they can do. Before the wedding is set to begin, Jane once again implores Petra not to marry Milos, asking what he has over her. Petra tells Jane not to worry, that she won’t let Milos any where near Mateo. Jane says that her resistance to Petra and Milos’s marriage is 98% the fact that she doesn’t want Mateo or Mateo’s half-sibling to be around Milos. But also 2% because because she cares about Petra in an “I don’t want you to marry a psycho kind of way.” Petra looks sincerely touched.
“Thank you,” she says. “It’s more than I deserve.”
Jane tells her that if she ever needs help, she’s there for her. To which Petra then asks her to help put on her traditional Czech marriage hat.
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“Aw,” our VOG narrates, “Perhaps it’s stolen sperm under the bridge for these two at last?”
I SINCERELY HOPE SO. SHOW, GIVE ME PETRA x JANE FRIENDSHIP PLEASE AND THANK YOU.
I’m addicted to you…
Basically, Jane and Michael keep having visions in their heads of the two of them doing things like this:
(source: idontwnemotion tumblr )
While I spent every one of these scenes looking like this:
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Rafael knows about Jane’s decision. We know he knows, but Jane doesn’t know that he knows (love triangles are the worst.) Rafael keeps trying to keep Jane from telling him about her decision, but he eventually just admits that he knows that she’s choosing Michael. He’s kind of a little bit shady in terms of constantly trying to redirect her open communication with him, but I can also understand that he just wants to postpone the inevitable. He tells Jane that Michael is no good, to which Jane replies that he’s wrong. Rafael replies with this bit of real talk:
(source: amusing saga )
Don’t you know that you’re toxic
Jane is still firmly on #TeamMichael, despite Rafael’s realness and, you know, history. However, later on, Michael gets called into his police chief’s office and is told that they know that he let Nadine go. He immediately thinks that it was Rafael was the one that turned him in since it’s plausible that Rafael heard his confession to Jane about letting Nadine go via the baby monitor in the previous episode. He goes to confront Rafael WHILE RAFAEL IS HOLDING MATEO. He literally pushes Rafael while Rafael is holding Mateo baby carrier and then full on starts a fight with him, screaming all sorts of crazy accusations, WHILE MATEO IS NOT EVEN A FOOT AWAY.
(source: amusing saga )
Keep telling me he’s a good guy, show. What kind of person seriously STARTS A FIST FIGHT IN FRONT OF AN INFANT? Mateo gets a cut on himself because Michael broke glass around him and Jane is rightfully pissed. But also? She does think that Rafael turned in Michael, though he says he didn’t. But also, he and I are both in disbelief that Jane is pissed about this in the first place since Nadine is in cahoots with Sin Rostro, the murdering sociopath who killed Rafael’s father and kidnapped their son. But, you know, Michael’s career of whatever.
And, anyway, turns out that Rafael didn’t even turn in Michael, just like he told Jane he didn’t. The tip came from one of Nadine’s friends, which Michael finds out when he sneaks into the captain’s computer and watches the confession. He gets caught, of course, by his competent partner and is either suspended or kicked off the squad. I honestly don’t care because he’s quite possibly the worst detective ever and it’s laughable that this didn’t happen sooner. After giving his badge and gun to the captain, he stomps away to his car only to have Nadine pop up in the backseat and tell him to drive.
Stronger than yesterday
The strongest part of the episode, though, is of course Team Villanueva. This episode focused on Abuela getting her green card (yay!). Xo is petitioning her but it turns out that Xo has a felony in her past that can mess up the entire process. Immigration laws are tricky, the lawyer says, because the laws are constantly changing, (#vote #vote #vote the screen tells us!) so it could have a real impact on the entire process. Turns out Xo took the fall for a guy named Zed when she was 18 because he shoplifted an expensive ring. Abuela is pretty pissed that Xo did this and Xo is understandably guilty that her childhood foolishness could keep her mother from getting her citizenship. First, Jane and Xo try to persuade Zed, now aka Jon Snow (because he watches his mural wall…and because he sells cocaine), to take the fall. He declines but not before giving Jane a bar of chocolate that’s also 30% pot.
Abuela and Xo accidentally eat this pot bar right before they’re set to go see the lawyer again, and it’s a damn travesty that tumblr has no gifs of high Abuela and Xo because it was hilarious. Needless to say, they have to miss the second meeting with the lawyer.
However, Abuela and Xo together threaten Zed into claiming the felony, as he rightfully should – which means smooth(er) sailing towards Abuela’s greencard! Then, in an emotional turn of events, Abuela apologizes to Xo for being so angry about the felony. Turns out that the day Xo was with Zed was the day of Abuelo Mateo’s death anniversary. Xo wanted to go out and spend time with her mother and Abuelo Mateo’s favorite restaurant, but Abuela was too caught up in her own grief to be there for her daughter. She apologizes for not putting Xo first, to which Xo tearfully replies that Abuela has made up for it a thousand times over.
This causes Jane to realize that a mother has to always put her child first, which is what makes her decide that she can’t be with Michael. Because, as Michael readily admits, Rafael clouds his judgment and makes him crazy. But guess what? Rafael is Mateo’s father and he isn’t going any where. So, for the sake of Mateo, Jane cannot be with Michael. It’s tough for both of them, and I hurt to see Jane’s heart breaking. But I also think she’s made the right decision.
And? I’m not worried about her, because she goes in and is comforted by the two best parents on this planet (other than my own and my in-laws). Her heart might be broken, but she has Abuela and Xo to share Mateo’s first smile with.
(source: ginnysweasley )
AND THE AWARD GOES TO…
Episode MVP: Luisa, for this awesome bit of sibling support:
(source: alversluisa tumblr)
Best VOG line: “The situation had become toxic. This circus couldn’t go on. It was time to get to work, bitch.”
Best moment(s) from #Rogeliomybrogelio: “I don’t drop her name. I mention people like Gloria Estefan, Alejandro Fernandez, and Oprah because they happen to be dear friends of mine.”
Number of times I…
Cried: Once, when Abuela apologized to Xo and Xo told her that she’d made up for it a thousand times over.
Had to remind myself that I am giving Michael another chance: Zero, because his chances are up and I’m changing this category next week.
Sighed and said, “I love this show”: When Xo and Abuela got high and also when Jane and Petra were sorta-kinda friends.