Great Sages Goldie Hawn and Michael Eisner Pontificate on Impossibility of Women Being Beautiful And Funny at the Same Time

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Failed ex-Disney CEO Michael Eisner and chronically overrated Goldie Hawn shared some moments at the “Aspen Festival of Ideas” on Sunday. Eisner, you see, bravely told the world there was nothing so difficult to procure as a beautiful woman who was also funny. “From my position, the hardest artist to find is a beautiful, funny woman. By far. They usually—boy am I going to get in trouble, I know this goes online—but usually, unbelievably beautiful women, you being an exception, are not funny.”

Hawn, clearly loving the idea of being relevant for a few hours, was totally in Eisner’s camp. Goldie hypothesized that she was funny because she didn’t know she was beautiful as a child, when she considered herself more of an “ugly duckling.” Hawn can be forgiven for enjoying being labeled as both comedy genius and Playboy centerfold material, but let’s just do a quick thought experiment:

Quick, name me the last movie Hawn was in where she was uproariously funny.

I’ll wait.



Now that I got that out of my system, I could go on to create a list of beautiful, funny women. But that would be demeaning. Lost in this debate is that being funny is a kind of beauty on its own.

Eisner disagrees, describing the tragedy of beautiful pageant contestants who “don’t have to get attention other than by their looks. So they don’t tell a joke. In the history of the motion-picture business, the number of beautiful, really beautiful women—a Lucille Ball—that are funny is impossible to find.”

I can’t claim to understand the thought processes of people who enter beauty pageants, but is it fair to say their reticence to tell a joke is because people like Eisner are already telling them their primary contribution to this world is physical beauty? Mansplaining the impossibility of being both funny and gorgeous tends to discourage people from taking risks.

This issue – whether funny girls can also demonstrate the nuclear-level of hotness that some guys demand – is a common area of debate among those who are no longer relevant. There used to be a similar argument levied at female athletes: “girls who can play are rarely hot” or “girls who can play must be gay.” These debates seem to have petered out for everyone other than internet trolls, but it persists mightily in entertainment.


Anyway, I keep waiting for the moment when we get comparative statements thrown around about men. “You know, that Jon Hamm is a hunky piece of meat, but his comedy stylings just fall short.”

Channing Tatum can shake his booty just fine, but can we really afford to put him in a comedy?”

Perhaps these will be the groundbreaking topics for next year’s “Aspen Festival of Has Beens With Ideas.” Maybe they can invite Donald Trump.

Alex is a lawyer and opinionated.

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